Just pathetic. Dont worry about the labels. Such a relief not to be in the struggle zone. My Husband Left Me Then I Discovered the Affair What Do I Do Now? Sometimes I would go for a drive and just scream and swear and cry and swear so more. Hes so blinded by the fog and the OW that he cant see his own backside. TryingHard I do not think it is sustainable. It was an excuse / and his A was a choice and there is no excuse or reson to cheat. I then (still unknowing about the A) went to my in laws purely because I was so worried about his mental state and he was being so aggressive and refusing to get medical advice. [Side note: the proof is in the pudding is an old proverb which related to the concept that you had to eat the dessert to know if it was good. And, Satori, theyll drag up crap that was insignificant from years ago and try to use it as another rationalization that they arent happy or you did something to hurt them. His father is in his ear. So your only choice is to let your lawyer do your talking. The idea that it is a huge blessing in disguise maybe something amazing is in the future that I cant see right now Im leaning towards that. He called me 4 times (I was on another call that came in about work) until I finally picked up. Then, she came to the house, and took the dog, (behind my back) who used to sit at my feet while I cried because she had abandoned the marriage. Like I said. It is just not real their relationship is built on fluff and fantasy. That takes its toll. I called our sons and they came right over. Let their good for nothing golden child suckel off them for a while they think hes so great. And he did. I had to contend with them every Friday night for about 12 years until I put my foot down (and the no calling, coming home at whim at all hours etc). I dont know. I would regard that as a big concern, and Im not sure if it is emotional blackmail or appropriating my own breakdown since he left me (I was in a bad way for a few days there) but Ive been deeply concerned. ), sell assets and well, pay him out. I feared I could not keep it together. Ill throw an F bomb for you any time. Trying Hard: Id consider my wifes affair and her selfish behavior as somewhat of a MLC. And how he shows his love! Um maybe but that was only AFTER he started the A and he was in full avoidant mode of me!! Quickly smoothed it over and said Nonsense they love us both and my family loves you. So if D does occur you can look back and feel you did your best and you will have no regrets. Do not allow her access to your home. But clearly he doesnt think he has any problems. May 17 Wilbanks canceled her engagement to her fianc. He cried several times but they were all tears of self pity as far as I could tell. and its almost impossible for you to do. And this will also be a hint to whom the soul lies. Im freaking out that even my beloved dog has caught my depression. One of my biggest worries when my h left is what would I do about health insurance as I was covered under his policy as his wife. Was he only back because of his business or was it really me. Weve grown apart. I never expected that!! It was so cray-cray I thought I was going to lose my mind. When he realised it wasnt so, he agreed to part ways cordially. Occupational psychological counsellor Dr Pradnya Jayant Ajinkya strongly recommends pre-marriage counselling. OW is a young divorcee who lives in a rented studio apartment and has a low paying job so no assets to speak of, hence her pursuit of my H. She is 15 years or so younger than me. And thats the truth. First off, I would hate for any of you to worry about my sensibilities. Everything that I thought I knew about my life feels like it is slipping away. She cheated. And STAT, OW really is The Worst. Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. Of course I looked all calm in the outside. But dang it takes work and both people have to be willing. Its done. Im sure in time I will get there. He is sick and paralyzed with fear. I supported her. I guess I dont really understand your question. Youll take 3 steps forward and four steps back at times. I brought assets into the marriage (H had none). He just said that he doesnt want to be married anymore and thats it, I really dont know where to start, Im devastated. H: Silence. I felt quite weak. If anything it has worn me down and my self esteem is very low. Being in business together just makes everything much more complicated. Although a woman by her very nature is called to motherhood. But its been a long time now since that. they cant reconcile his actions with who they thought he was. Its an affair. Uneasy. Its also agonizing watching the person who we adore & love disintegrate into something we hardly recognize. Since when? But I want our marriage and I want you. Those were the sweetest words to hear but I was still skeptical. Helen Rowland. I dont know about anything anymore. But really I now get that she was saying she did not believe me. It sucks. You are my beautiful girrrrrlll. Business would be nothing without my H. What I do is only 4 hours of work a week (i,e, nothing). And that my friends is the story of the first 24 hours!!! You can always choose to R at any point if you think he really means it. Even though he said it is over with OW and not a live thing anymore. It was comforting to know that I had friends who completely understood. Like you, I am hyper vigilant to everyones subtle and not so subtle behaviors too. Some days will be better than others. Ang Runaway bride syndrome (gamophobia, gametophobia) ay isang kumplikadong mga negatibong ugali ng personalidad na hindi nauugnay sa sakit sa isip. And thats the key word: work. But I also lawyered up. And therefore, since he is not willing to give me a satisfying answer to any of it, the more I express in comprehensive fact based detail what I understand and the more right I am, the more dug in to his logically indefensible position he becomes and the prospect of closure or even breakthrough becomes (ironically) less obtainable. Maybe your lawyer can get you some kind of power of attorney since hes being wholly uncooperative with regards to business. Forgiveness is the only way to peace. Lying, cheating, ignoring the me and our kids, treating me like an enemy: this was just not her. to try to understand what is going on with my husband. My wife seemed had seemed off for a while but nothing dramatic. Who knows why. Dealing with infidelity takes strength and courage. I really believe you husband is deep in the affair fog and or fantasy of the affair. It has nothing to do with me. I look at peoples actions more than their words anyhow. I love the topics they choose. The damage is done. No things never go along with the cheaters plans. TheFirstWife. They make no sense. Thanks for your good wishes. When they hit me, you were on my mind. People often suffer.alone. The A is leading him away from you b/c it is the easy way out. and now the rose colored glasses are off. He will drown everyone around him in the mindset he is in. I lived it and I will never live it again. Of course he said its over and now they are just friends. Satori P.S. Any funeral mention by him is just words. Ie gaslighting/projection STILL). Thats when he got the Gird your Loins warning. One thing I forgot to say. May be a breakthrough, but Im not sure where his head will lead him next. I know what that desperation is to get those emails. Typical cheater move. Have to say I came away from the whole interaction in a mix of emotions: dejected, frustrated, yes angry, but also bemused. Just like the name sounds, this is an undercover narcissist. We all choose our path to R or to D. I chose to love unconditionally trying every day to live with grace, humility, and forgiveness. Those pesky consequences are such a drag. Its when we fight it and deny it that it keeps rearing its ugly head. SatoriYou find those therapists by interviewing them or even asking them when you call to set an appointment. I still laugh at this one. In our case a bar might have made it all worse!! And yes the lovely holidays are just around the corner. And turns your friends and family against you. You can stop hoping for things she has nobibtention of providing. It came after I indicated one of the D outcomes and he stormed out. But guess what she turned my support against me. Red herring logic and deflection. Well today he gets a few hard limits that will really test his measure. Anyone who had an impact during his/her formative years. Not disgust at my sons bad behavior. The emotional devastation is unbelievable. It happened to me more than a few times. If its an amount that youd love to have, then tell him you accept his offer to buy you out of the business since he thinks that amount is fair. I never saw so many mis hit balls by my house!! When he arrived his manner was cold and distant. It makes me sad and it makes me mad!! Your H seems similar to mine (with the affair taken way underground after DDay1) but my H is a lot more avoidant in the sense that he refused to do any MC or therapy at all. Doesnt seem like it to you but you got this! You have done more for me than you realize. So his OW was a needy drama queen covered in tattoos lots of issues and track record of bad relationships. OW is a pathetic leech on the bottom layer of Maslows Hierarchy of Needs. Repeat. Do not keep quiet about your abandonment. It was very hard to hear him cry. In the past, I read that most mens worst fear is ending up alone. TFW: you thought distance could be a good thing, I dont feel it. The only upside in any of this experience is that I see his games a lot more clearly. Finally, at the very last moment, the decision not to compromise on love is taken. Yes, that is absolutely true. Put it this way, a third party being in the mix was nowhere in my mind. Kept trying to leave but I persisted. I feel this is the only safe place to vent. As you say, no hope for recovery. I dont really feel we are disregarding anyone. My hs lawyer was a bull dog lawyer back in the day. So glad you had some time to get away from it all. It was wonderful. Me too. Just know that we know the struggle you are in and that is it a daily battle to maintain yourself. And I think you know who and probably have a good idea why. beach. But maybe not thinking about H at all is a better approach! Still getting the ptsd symptoms, but Im soldiering on. We were planning our own future together and wedding. Milli, And sometimes just dont answer him when he calls or texts. Thanks Satori All I can do is be true to my feelings now while self protecting at the same time. No fixing And will never take responsibility for any of it. I think it is hurtful and so excruciatingly painful to hear your mate no longer lives you or wants to be with you. Those whom I have actually been communicating with have been incredible. Ah yeah we tread so lightly and handle those timid, sad, little, forest creatures so tenderly. Physically, emotionally, spiritually you name it. I think we all can relate to the destruction when the bomb drops. They have issues and they are self-medicating with an affair. This is what made things very real for my h. He thought he would manipulate me into going along with his charm and ability to sell ice to Eskimos and I was so stupid I would agree to sharing one lawyer! Looking back I would have done so many things differently but shock takes over. I think of Marital Abandonment Syndrome like a freight train that everyone sees but hides from the person sitting on the railroad tracks. Thank you for talking about the possible narcissistic connection because even before I read this article I was beginning to have my hunches that my ex is a narcissist. We have a big job right now. The support on this site surely outweighs the foul language. Oh hell no. The drama aside, there are plenty of obstacles to the relationship progressing. No one works well without sleep. But the reality is the marriage and relationship that we, as the betrayed spouse, believed in, is now gone and something new is taking shape. Thank goodness for the internet. Unfortunately business and tax stuff meant I had to sms and send emails. Most of all, the monster swore on the Bible that there was NOT another woman and yelled that he was not that kind of man. I was done being nice. Here is a thought and i have noticed this with my son and sibling. Things that had been completely reimagined and re-cast for todays convenience. No one can make this choice for him. Neither is easy, but sometimes in the end we are better if we have put the necessary effort to learn and grow. If we take this idea further, I wonder how many runaway spouses always had qualities that could be considered covertly narcissistic and therefore less noticeable. He deleted her number again. She could have just packed and left us and never looked back. Can you go see bro for a long weekend? It sucks, big time. I brought up R all the time with my wife and the questions of what can I do or what can we do to get back to us. LOL!! And thats a good thing. But he chose an A. Unfortunately there are no clear answers. ???? TFW hits in out of the park on the CS having to make the decision to R. Its agonizing trying to endure all of the crap getting spewed from our spouses during the fog and affair. But you will be sad your h isnt with you Just giving you an emotional heads up. She wants to see what she is getting." Her husband-to-be, the evil Count Cagliostro, manages to capture her and force her to comply to the marriage.However, during the wedding ceremony Lupin comes to free Clarisse and both flee which turns Clarisse into a proper Runaway Bride. Let's take a closer look at this: If a woman really loves, all doubts about her beloved should not worry her. People just fall out of love. But this time there would be no trauma or drama. My angels ???????? I was determined no matter what happened in my marriage I would come out the other side better for it. I told you that night I was getting dressed up to go out and LIVE IT UP!! And yes, my Dad is a class act. So in THs story there was a huge turnaround. But then I remembered supposedly the affair he had in his 30s was called a mid life crisis. She could do no wrong. My guess is he actually likes your dominance whether or not its true. SO TRUE. Many of these men, will attempt to reconcile, if the new affair (which they almost never leave you, without having one), doesnt work out. Ugh I cant believe they make you wait a year!!! Thank you for sharing your story. I do, however, encourage people to lawyer up. Some cases of runaway brides are caused by having made romantic compromises. Everything I have read says that in most Runaway H scenarios, a mood or depressive disorder is underpinning it. How could he ever be taken at his word, but just like that he was so adamant that he could be trusted. My fair, rationally minded husband was gone. So he got a turnaround too. Sitting in my lounge chair on a sunny day helped too. Heres a link to more info. The 180 is not for him but for you to distance yourself from him and his drama. The money factor in our case, not that were talking crazy amounts but its enough for someone to run away for a few years lets put it that way. Thank you so much Single Dad for your loving words of kindness. It is difficult to settle on love when seductive alternatives are all around. Hmmm. That is funny. All of this ultimately affects behavior. At first, Clarisse in The Castle of Cagliostro is a Runaway Fianc when she runs away from her Arranged Marriage (presumably during dress rehearsal). There is a special place in hell for women who sell out other women like that. It leads to re-vitimisation and can invoke other effects such as trauma and feelings of worthlessness (Why cant I get over it? While we often hear about men doing such a thing, women are equally capable and culpable of such indiscretions. Eventually I went in the house and they put me to bed. Its ok to cry too. He leased an apartment and left you? I stated months ago I believe there is another cultural layer to your story if infidelity. ! I also saw lots of animosity. That and seeing the space shuttle launch were the things that lured me to Florida in 1976. But, she always kept her honor about her at all times and never said things she regretted. Thats what you posted you were going to do, and since I am unaware of that person ever commenting again, I feel fairly safe in saying that you did, indeed, block her from future comments. What I dont get is that your H admits A is going on but yet still tries to circumvent the fact he is MARRIED!!!!! Theres nothing wrong with a little help from meds but you have to make sure they are the right ones. The hurt is complete. But even in my lucid moments, I am still shocked to my core at how I came to be here. Just like that. Technology makes an EA easier to build and to maintain.The bond of Us v Wife is easy to do when you can continually seem connected to each other regardless of location or time zones and a lot of these convos take place late at night or early in the morning when people are either tired (easy to manipulate) or fresh (no distractions so laser focus). document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. At this stage, its still no R. No MC. [15], Wilbanks' case is frequently used as an example, in both scholarly and popular articles and books. Thats what sticks with me. I just am unsure whether this thing has any chance. 1 of 5 stars 2 of 5 stars 3 of 5 stars 4 of 5 stars 5 of 5 stars. I told him to sign the documents or GTFO. LOL. We have bigger fish to fry. Sorry to hear your H has chosen the lawyer. I am scared as to what that would look like, what should I expect and how do I act when I have to deal with him? 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